Till my Heartache End

How can you prove your love? A certain question that makes me laugh, it’s really simple yet it makes me feel so down. Answering this kind of question is not that hard to think that I know if I answer this question, lots of things will happen. So this will be my answer "I can prove it by marrying you" together we will share everything together but something tells me that it’s not the right time. Way back then, almost 3 years ago I said to myself that we have a right love at the wrong time but as the day goes on I never tried to stop myself loving this person even if I don't have a chance to talk to him, for real. I never hated him for making me cry nor making me feel doomed but everyday my love for him goes stronger as ever, I’m so happy that after the long wait my dreams comes into existence. Everything as I woke up I keep on thanking God for having him in my life, thanking for all the blessing that God has given to my family and the people around us.

Yes, I want everything settled but I think he got it all wrong cause actually I'm preferring it to my family. I was known because of my kind heart, I feel pity for those unfortunate people who used to sleep the streets having nothing, nothing to it. Sometimes I used to save some of my money in order for me to buy something for them. Sharing is a way of love and a simple smile and thank you from them makes my heart grew founder. But wait, I can still feel the emptiness in my heart. I want to make myself happy but I just can't. I want to share the rest of my life to the person I love but what will happen to my family when I'm gone? I don't want to see my mom cry for the second time around, I don't want to see my dad being criticized by his relatives and the people around us, I don't want to broke my parents heart, I don't want to stop my siblings in their dreams and I don't want to lose the love of my life.

Pathetic, it seemed that my tears were melting my heart. Making me feel restless and sick. I don't want to cry but my stupid tears are keep on falling, I'm tired of crying, I'm tried to explain, I'm tried to make things right. I'm emotionally and physically tired.

The Purpose Given

Every morning I woke up, I used to ask myself why I'm alive, to do such boring and tiring things. There's no reason for me to smile but instead I smile a lot, to think that as I wake up I remember how will my boyfriend will look like seeing me alive and kicking. Plus my niece, family and friends who's always here for me in good and bad times. My life is totally boring but who cares? even though that I feel bored sometimes I am still happy and thankful for what God gave to me, he gave me someone that I can rely on, someone that makes me think and experience how beautiful life really is. On the day onwards, it seemed that I'm addicted to him, I used to tease and play tricks, sometimes I accidentally said something disgusting and sarcastic but I really didn't mean it, it’s just me and my big mouth.

After almost three years here I am now, still me-thin and clumsy. I don’t have any idea what to do to think that I’m just nothing, all alone, restless, useless and stupid. No ever cared for me, how I wish that someday someone will ask me if I’m okay but as the day goes I just keep on pretending, pretending that everything is all fine. Yes I’m a hypocrite but no one can blame me cause everything I do has its own reasons and purpose.

Selfishness

Being selfish is not quite normal inspite that it’s really disgusting, the word itself signifies a lot which is usually not that good. When I was a kid I used call myself selfish inspite I know I'm not. Kind, helpful, faithful, sweet and almost possible adjectives describes me but I never boost myself, I used to be humble as anyone could be cause I know that being humble in my own unique ways is something special. But where I am now? I'm still here, sitting in the corner thinking what will happen tomorrow and thinking what should I do next. After all those struggles, attempts and tears in order to help and make other people happy, here I am now, alone and empty.

I make other people happy, I cared for them but do they ever ask or even think that I'm okay? I bet not cause they didn't know anything about me, they will just come to me when they needed me. But selfishness is not a reason that you should be mad in your friends and forget your moments together, either sad or happy.

Selfishness takes place when we crave and ask for something that we don't like that much but we used to try our best to have it in order to be popular and whatever.

When Boredom Strikes

when I am down, sad, lonely and bored I used to take some pictures of myself then delete it right away, taking photos is one of my passion along with it I truly love listening music’s, writing and reading. I'm a nature enthusiast but as the day goes one I don't have much time to explore the world, nowadays our so called world was not quite crowded and polluted sad and we, people are the one who cause this, sad but absolutely true.

Even though I'm kinda busy to do such things I want, I never feel hopeless and bored to death to think that I keep doing routine tasks every day. Other people might think that I don't have any plans in my life and I'm depending in the persons around me. In almost 20 years of existence I meet a lot of people with different attitudes and I manage to face them casually with no hesitations. As I go through every person I meet became my friends to think that some of them doesn't like me like the way I do. In every journey take, in every decisions that we make and every steps that we do, we fail and learn from it but what life really is? For me life is a journey, a quest that we must experience, face and overcome with a smile in our faces no matter how hard and tiring our so called journey could be.

Where is the Dawn

Entering the real world is not that easy, coping up, trying to fit in and managing to face the battle of the so called life. In this generation a lot of things are happening and no one can tell what tomorrow will bring, a year and a half or even a decade who will say that your life today will be your life in the other day. Struggling, facing the problems and difficulties in this life, solving and finding the missing piece in your life. Every one of us have its own views, dreams and mission in this lifetime but as the we go through this so called tasks that we should do in our every little step became heaver. As we start to reach the higher level of our journey we will meet a lot of people which will later help us go through and perhaps make us down.

Yes, we are now living in the world of computers where in nothing is impossible but still there's a place were emptiness takes place. This life is a journey that needs to experience not a question nor a problem to be solved. Making friends, enjoying life and tasting the gift of God. Imagine yourself in the dessert, having nothing and all alone, it’s just like a single candle in the dark and cold room. Later on the flicker of this candle be start to grow and in just one glimpse of an eye the light will die. Does it make any sense? For sure who will later think that life isn't like that, but let us think about it and know the true meaning of life.

Do You Know the word Appreciation?

Appreciation, they say that's what I want but they've got it all wrong. I don't need any appreciation, all I want is to be heard but how can they hear and understand what I want if I'm not saying anything? Its really mind binding isn't it?

Who will think that a person like me has something in mind? I bet no one but let me tell you something about it. No matter what life will bring a lot of things are keep on coming and popping into our heads, making us be more creative and more useful but how can we use those thoughts if didn't attempt to make some noise?

Do you think that sitting in the corner, alone in the dark is a sign of insanity? I think not cause based on my experience it can help us think more and more. Way back then, doing something does not mean that you want a so called appreciation, it is something that doesn't exist in my whole system even though I appreciate those small things that other people made for more. As I said before, I'm easy to please and its easier for me to appreciate such things in this world but take note that I'm not soft to break. It takes so much courage and effort to break me but if you'd think that I am that strong enough then you are wrong. I'm just pretending that I'm okay, everything is normal and nothing has changed but deep inside I keep on struggling and thinking what should I do to make things right, to cope up and help myself stand.

It’s not that easy but who cares? I know I can do it and even if other will say that I can't I know I can and if ever I fail, I will just keep on trying and trying.

It’s Getting Somewhere

Where I am? Here I am sitting in the corner, thinking what to do and what will gonna happen tomorrow. Yesterday I thought everything is all fine, no one's messing around and it seemed so perfect. But life is really unpredictable, one morning I just woke up having nothing but my one great love. I dunno what to do, I dunno what to think and how to react. A lot of things are keep on breaking my heart apart, no one understands me, no one cared for me but here I am trying to be strong in order to survive.

They might say that I'm being selfish, stupid and whatever but one thing for sure, I'm having hard time just to help. For now I don't feel so hopeless cause I know that I can find the light which will bring me into something that I wish and dreamed for long time ago. Sitting in the corner alone is not a sign of weakness, for me it can help your nerves and mind think a lot of ideas and thought which might help you later.

I feel pity for those person that keep on saying that they are hopeless but come to think of it, I'm one of them I am just afraid to show and express it. I'm afraid to let other people know that no matter how strong I am, I still have weakness but however no matter how innocent and weak my aura is, I'm strong that anybody couldn't think.